Being retrenched is a funny thing. It conjures up a mix of conflicting feelings. Often at the same time.
I joined The Company with much fanfare. It was divine intervention. It was supernatural. I was headhunted. My old organisation was sad but supportive. I approached my new role with anticipation, trepidation and dread that I was not going to be good enough.
Something was amissed. I felt it from day 1. Things were not quite right. People gave conflicting information and instructions. I had conflicting priorities. I approached each day with increasing dread.
Monday 8th of April. At 2:33pm I recieved an email from the CEO to have a chat. I knew 2 days before from external sources that 2 people are leaving the practice. At 3:00pm I found out the division has closed and my role has been made redundant.
I was surprised the decision came now, rather than in 3 months time. I was relieved that my intiution had been correct - my gut had dread in it and it was not lying to me. I floated above myself in a bunker room overlooking the Botanical Gardens, a million questions racing through my mind. I could leave now, or leave in a week's time. I picked the easier option.
The hardest part was going down to my desk, picking up my stuff and leaving. I tossed numerous options through for a seemingly easy decision to make. Which involved less humiliation. Which involved less people making goo-goo eyes at me. I hestiated for a long time. When I got to my desk, everyone looked like seagulls - pretending to work while looking at me from the corner of their eyes. I love the facade of it all. 'A' had a drink with me in the pantry; 'K' walked me to the lifts; 'M' ditched work and went to a swanky bar with me for a drink. And we talked. We analysed the situation. We tore it to bits and worked through, what the hell just happened. The session was cathartic. I felt numb.
Went back to the office, got my stuff in what seemed like a clandestine mission to achieve as minimal humiliation as possible. And then I walked out of there a completely changed person then when I first walked in 11 weeks ago. Yes, 11 weeks. That was how long I lasted in a company I was headhunted to join.
Sorry messages came through. I called my husband. I called my parents. I called 'J'. I messaged friends. Its fascinating who you choose to turn to in times of emotional turmoil. After repeating my story about 8 times, I went to Mr Hive, had a long drink and ordered the best dishes on the menu - grilled prawns and seared tuna. Exhale.
I woke up the next morning with emotions flooding through. I finally cracked and teared. It lasted all of 4 minutes before another emotion came through - anger. I was angry at so many people. At myself. At the situation. I had a chocolate croissant with the hub and went to find out what else destiny had instore. In the first 24 hours of my redundancy, I met a Big Issue seller and gave him $10 because he needed it way more than I did. I had an amazing pork belly bun, and I talked and talked and talked to friends and family who reached out their supporting hands.
In the last 48 hours, after a bottle of wine, 6 hours of DVDs, a shonky massage and stacks of comforting good food, I've come to realise that we know ourselves more when crisis hits. I saw my limitations. I saw raw emotions. I realised that most work was superfluous. I can shut down my life in a second and activities will keep on running. In my entire life, so many good things have happened. I was always afraid to fail - Failure had not happened to me many times and I was afraid I would not be able to cope. 'S' once said, visualise failure and realise its not as bad as you think. Now that I'm at the bottom of that pool, I can safely say, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
